No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
