Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
