Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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