when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
