I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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