Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
