Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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