Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
