even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
