wanna go halves on a baby?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
