i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Randomize
