i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
