OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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