so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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