Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
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Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
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But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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