My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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