My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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