someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
