I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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