i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
there is glitter all over my balls
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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