woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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