but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
