I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
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