apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
