well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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