I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
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