i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Mom said you looked used
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
