you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
