she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize