I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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