I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
