ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
