i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
