dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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