My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
