I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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