Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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