look no pants
Apparently you make a good broom.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
