So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Don't say a word.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch