my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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