From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
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don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
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Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises