I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I just wanna be euthanized
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.