I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
