i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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