Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
