She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
