maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
