Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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