I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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