On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
