operation have a gay friend backfired
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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