Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
