my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
