i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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