i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches