I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
