it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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