garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
