If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
