when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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