Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
