mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
